Ridiculously HUMAN
I watched the Hansie Cronje story on Netflix last night, and it moved me to my core. The burden he carried for making a mistake. The shame, the vicious and very public criticism and humiliation, the anguish of having let his God, his family, his wife and his country down. There was a moment where Hansie sat on the bathroom floor with his head in his hands, and he wept:
‘God, please help me…’
Hansie Cronje
Like an acupuncture point being met by its needle, I really felt that. Because not so long ago, I was in exactly the same position.
Just over six months ago, the weight of the burden I had been carrying for longer than I care to remember eventually got too heavy to bear, and I found myself on my knees, crying to God with my head in my hands.
My business was teetering on the brink of failure after a horrifying 2 years, where I had lost most of my income (and incurred a mountain of debt), most of my team, my confidence, my pride and my dignity. I had to give up my home, put all of my furniture in storage and move in with my sister. For the first time in their lives, I could not take care of my children. I was a shadow of myself, and was clutching on to the last remains in a desperate attempt to survive.
I lost my ability to communicate. I could not make a single decision. I had zero drive and motivation. I was perpetually terrified. I spent every day in a self induced blur of anti-anxiety meds and anti depressants (to name just two) just to get through. It was a vicious and endless circle.
I’ll never forget the day I eventually admitted that I needed help. The relief I felt by saying those words, and the willing hands that extended to pick up me – it was a very humbling, empowering and deeply cathartic day that changed everything.
I was admitted to a mental healthcare facility for two weeks after being diagnosed with long term depression, anxiety and burnout. My exhausted and depleted body and mind just could not function anymore. I surrendered completely to the professional care, and the incredible support of my family and my friends. And I started my beautiful journey of healing.
Those two weeks were the system reboot I needed to get the sleep, counselling and self reflection that I needed. I emerged from the haze with clearer perspective, and a greater understanding of all those aspects of myself – my conditioning, my beliefs and my deep wounds – that had brought me to this point. I faced some very difficult truths (the subject for another day), and came to understand myself – my shadows that I had been trying to hide and avoid – with eyes wide open on a level that was very raw, but REAL.
I walked out of that clinic knowing one thing for sure. The fast lane of hyper-performance is NOT for me. Yes, I’d been performing – but more like a circus monkey for applause and treats dished out by the circus master.
I needed a fresh start in a healthy environment, and to get away from all the triggers that Jozi held – including my unhealthy habits and routines. I made the move to Cape Town.
I have chosen mindfulness as my way out of the madness, and the past six months have been nothing short of magnificent. Meditation, breath work, yoga, hundreds of hours of podcasts, holistic healthcare, long walks, fresh air, sleep (my new drug of choice is a good night of solid natural sleep) and a lot of journaling have been my healing regime. I have come a long, long way…
But watching Hansie last night made me realize something. He owned his responsibility, and he shouldered it. But he could not put it down. The hell of not being able to forgive himself really touched me. I still have not forgiven myself. I still find it hard to own my shadow, which is with me every moment of every day.
I still hold on to the failure. It still causes me to recoil in shame, and to react in defense. What I need to forgive, with love and compassion, is:
- Looking for my self worth in everyone but myself
- Compromising myself, my morals and my values for another
- My continuous need for validation
- My lack of belief, faith and trust in myself
- My desperate need to control circumstances, people and outcomes
- My consistent fear of losing everything, and of not having or being enough
- My belief that I have not been the best mother to my children
- The many vices I have leaned on to numb the pain
- My need to take on everything, and more, to prove I was needed (and therefore worthy)
- Saying yes at my own expense (and sometimes at the expense of my children and my family)
- Resenting my aging body – the temple that has carried me faithfully
- The hurt I have unintentionally caused along the way as a consequence of my choices
These aspects of me are all a part of my shadow. But just as the white and black in the yin and yang, both shadow and light are part of the whole. The journey into loving one’s self is not so much about creating more of the light stuff. It’s just as much about facing, accepting and embracing the dark. To gently say:
I see you, and accept you as an important part of me. You were created to protect me from perceived harm, shame, abandonment, fear and rejection. You were created by me at a time when I knew no better.
If we were all a little more forgiving of one another’s shadows, this journey of life would no doubt be a lot easier. A burden shared is a burden halved. But we cannot truly forgive another’s until we forgive our own.
Being vulnerable is not weak. It takes courage. Exposing our deepest wounds to the scrutiny and judgement of others is like standing naked and exposed in front of a crowd. But being brave enough to do this gives others the permission to do the same.
I fell from grace. I had a breakdown. I needed professional care. I lost almost everything. I started again. I am finding my way back. I made and continue to make mistakes. I am falable.
I own it all, and I am proud of it. Because it means that I am real and ridiculously human.
I found such beautiful words on Instagram this morning. These words are from me to you, and are a fitting way to end this blog (and hopefully precede the next…)
Show me all the parts about yourself that you do not love so that I know where to begin…
Jen Marques
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This is beautiful Mich! I commend you on your journey and thank you for sharing it sure as helped me reading your story
Vicky
Thank you!
Nats
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Incredible courage and authenticity in every word
Caryl
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Such a very brave journey
Debbie
Beautiful… it’s truths like this that will help people through the darkness and into the light❤️
Eedria
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It is a beautiful refection of a wonderful woman that is emerging from within. I am so proud of you my dear friend. It is only the beginning and what a fun and lovely ride this life is.
Biljana
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story, honestly and to the bones. May you move slowly and steadily wherever your mind and soul takes you next ❤️ and may you be free from suffering and the causes of suffering ?
Nicolle
<3
Janelle
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You have a wonderful way with words Michelle so keep writing and keep it real. Life is not easy and our inner demons make it worse, but keeping it real is all about putting you first always. Everything else will fall into place. ?
Vivi
This beautiful and brave human is my daughter, who makes me so so proud. I have witnessed her journey and worried about her and wanted to take her pain.. She has managed to hold it together, when she just wanted to hide. However my girl, you have always made me so proud of all your achievements, the biggest being your journey this year. You are just such a beautiful human being and I get to call you daughter. How lucky am I?
Cecilia
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Thank you for your vulnerability, I see you and I love you.
Gilynne Wastie
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Loved this very enlightening, thank you for sharing pleased you have found your path, hugs and loves
Elna
My gorgeous friend, little did I know. You are an amazing woman, please don’t forget that.
Verity Maud
Such a beautiful, authentic post. I am so proud of you wonderful woman ❤️
Tracy-Lee Schoeman
You are nothing short of a magnificent inspiration! Keep believing, as you and your story heals the broken pieces of so many who read these heartfelt words xx
Mari
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I see you <3
Liesel
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Wow Mich ❤️
You write from your heart and soul – so beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes and love in my heart ? miss you ?
Neil Van der Wat
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Authentic people are beautiful.
It’s takes courage to be authentic.
Few people are bold enough to be courageous
Michele Rogers
❤️ love this Mich – thank you for sharing xxx
Truth
This is soul baring, honest, vulnerable and simply beautiful. I admire the courageous ways in which you are sharing your journey.